The Power of Yes
Have you ever thought about the power that the words ‘yes’ and ‘no’ hold? Do you know how getting a ‘no’ feels in your body? Take a minute and find a friend, spouse, even one of your kids, and have them tell you no about 13-15 times in a 15 second time period. Now sit with how you feel with that no. Now, have that same person tell you ‘yes’ 13-15 times in a 15 second time period. Sit with how you feel with the yes’s. Chances are your body feels anxious, frustrated, or even angry at the constant no’s. The yes’s are likely to elicit feelings of happiness, encouragement, even connected to the person telling you yes.
God gives us a list of no’s – check out the 10 commandments - - when He gives us a ‘no’ it is for our good. God gives us yes’s as well. These yes’s are given to command us to love one another, give to those in need, walk in step with Him. For our children from hard places, hearing no lands with a heavy weight. It feels threatening. Their mind can start racing with thoughts like, “I will never eat again!” or “They don’t like me! They hate me!” “I will never go to the park!” What seems like an irrational responses to us, feels very real to them.
But it is also not reasonable to give our children whatever they want, whenever they want, and build up their ability to navigate the world of things that happen suddenly. Things don’t always go as we plan. God’s ‘no’s’ to us are to keep us safe. That’s the message we want our children to understand from us too. To get there, it might seem like they need to hear no more often. Yet, the opposite is true based on brain research. Our kids have heard no, either verbally or nonverbally many times when their needs were not met. These ‘no’s’ leave our kids feeling scared, isolated, threatened, in brain science terms their amygdala has taken over.
When do we give no’s to our kids? Is it out of habit? Because we are just too tired to do what they are asking? Because what they are asking for is not good for them?
Do you get questions like these in your home?
Can you play a game of tag with me?
Can you read me a story?
Can we watch a movie together?
Can I paint your nails?
Can I have a treat?
Maybe the responses to these questions sound like this: No, I am so tired. It has been a very long day. No, we don’t have time to watch a movie. Bed time is in 15 minutes. No story tonight. It’s past bedtime. No, you cannot paint my nails. (They will be a mess!) No, you cannot have a treat, dinner is in half-an-hour.
Given the opportunity, I would much rather my child have a chance to feel connected and encouraged, not frustrated, anxious or angry at me. So, how can we work to build yes’s into a life that is full of no’s? Consider giving a yes sandwich. Here is one example; consider the question about tag. A no, can be turned into – yes, after I take a five minute rest I’d love to play 5 minutes of tag with you. Let’s set the timer together. Then when time is up we’ll go play a 5 minute game of tag.
What about when no really is no? It happens, no, you cannot have a treat, dinner is 30 minutes from now. How about, this instead: Treats are so yummy. Sharing a treat is so much fun. Let’s look at the calendar and pick a day when we can plan a special treat. Then, go to the calendar together, pick the date, and follow through on your yes.
Another way to bring yes into the equation is to share power with our child. Maybe it’s not a convenient time to play tag because the clothes need folding or there’s a mess to pick up. Try using this time to build in team work. Try, “I really want to play tag. That sounds so fun. Thanks for asking me! (Look around) We really need to get this mess picked up. If we do this together I bet we can get it done so much faster and then go play! Let’s time ourselves and see how we do.”
The Lord is our Good Shepherd. He makes us lie down in green pastures; He prepares a table in the presence of our enemies; He desires that we should live with Him in eternity. As the Lord is good to us, so He desires us to be good to our children. Share creative ways you find to tell your kids yes; and ways you see the Lord telling you yes.